Slow Claps Are For Amateurs

Out of everything I saw in Texas last weekend, one incident stands out the most. It happened at my boyfriend's sister's nursing school graduation. The graduation itself was pretty unorganized and boring, so I'll save you the details of that and go straight to what I now refer to as the greatest moment of my life.

The graduates were split up into two columns with three rows each. If I remember correctly, there were about seven women in each row. At some point in the ceremony, one of these women went up to accept an award for being awesome in some nature or other. When she did the other students began to clap because they were so proud of her. In fact, the superb feelings they had for this student were so great that they tried to give her a standing ovation.

As soon as her name was called and she joyfully sauntered up to the podium, the clapping began. With the very first congratulatory hand thrust, one of the graduates in the back row shot up like she had been strapped to an amusement park ride. Unfortunately, this ride only had one turn because it slowly brought her back into a sitting position after she realized that no one else was standing with her. The clapping continued and eventually, after what seemed like hours to my attention span at this point, a few people in the back row of the left column began to stand. Slowly, oh slowly, other students sitting in the left column began to rise into the standing ovation as well. Only after everyone on that side of the stage had stood did the right column of students begin to join in as well. It started in the back row again, and made it to the middle of the second row before the appropriate time allotted for congratulating their fellow graduate ran out. The girl sitting in the middle of the second row must not have known if she had time to join, because she kind of squatted up and down like she was bobbing on a pool floatie for a few seconds until everyone sat back down.

I sat there laughing inappropriately the entire time, and finally leaned over and whispered into my boyfriend's ear:

You know how you've always wanted to start a slow clap? I think we've just witnessed the slow clap version of the standing ovation. I'm not sure if there's any way to ever top this.

Need Answers? Go To Texas.

Oh Texas. Land of love, land of friendship, land of God. The christian God; not the other ones. At least that's what one of the billboards I passed said.

Jesus is the only way for America.

Really? Because I'm pretty sure we have freedom of religion somewhere in that pesky constitution of ours. And what about South America? Or Mexico? Or Canada? You know that the United States isn't America, right? Well, I do get your point. Only those that believe in Jesus can be true Americans. And all of you other countries in America? Suck it.

This was only one of the inspirational and educational billboards my boyfriend and I passed while driving though Texas last weekend. My other favorite was:

I couldn't find the picture of the actual billboard. This was the same picture that I saw, though,

only this was just a headshot. My boyfriend, after reading this post, felt like that should be

clarified.

I mean, I'm not a huge Obama fan either, but was it really necessary to make him look that evil? I feel like he's just biding his time until we're all fattened up enough to feed the poor and starving population of his home planet. Is that why America the United States has such an obesity problem?

For now, I'm going to go work out and starve myself so that I'll be left behind when the UFO's hover over this country and make the rapture look like child's play.

Home Sweet Home

Well, fellow bloggers and unfortunate people who accidentally ended up here by searching 'Klondike Bar,' I made it back to Kansas alive. And have I got some stories for you. So many stories that I can blog for at least a week or two without going over to Google and looking up 'ideas for posting on my blog because my life isn't really that interesting.' Not that I would ever do that.

Today, however, I choose to keep my life uninteresting because I am still completely exhausted from the trip. I promise to give you entertaining and inappropriate stories in exchange for your patience.

Now, I rest and drink beer.

The Flaming Sedan-O-Death!

I almost died today.

Okay, that may be a little melodramatic, but I could have been seriously injured. There is a street in the city I live in that goes through a small underpass. Right on the other side of the underpass lies a small side street containing a stop sign. Remember the fact that it has a stop sign; it's important. I was driving along at the safe speed of thirty-ish miles an hour when a green sedan zoomed into the space directly in front of my car. That was my space. I didn't have a stop sign. This guy did but apparently didn't feel like paying attention to it. He slammed on his brakes and I did the same, jerking my car to the left, which was, coincidentally, the lane that he was supposed to be in. With a pounding heart, I slowly veered around his sedan-o-death and shakily continued on my way. I fear I will forever have flashes of his snarling face as he tried to turn my poor Ford Taurus into a flaming trap for my mangled body; similar to those that served in Vietnam suffer. Oh God! I'm having one right now! Nooooooooooooooo!...

Better. Sorry about that.

I'm not much for religion, but after my real life Mario Kart experience I think is an appropriate time to say, 'Thank you Jesus for saving my car. It was made in '03 after all, and I don't think running head on into a stranger's asshole...I mean face is a good idea. Also, sorry for cussing. Church taught me that you don't like that. I probably won't give up smoking or stop cussing because you saved my life, but I really am grateful. Also, this prayer is just for humor purposes so please don't let me die this weekend either. Thank you. In Jes....your name, Amen.'

It's a good thing I didn't get in a wreck. Not just for the obvious reason that I prefer my car to run, but I am travelling to Texas this weekend. My boyfriend's sister is graduating on Friday, and I am going with him to attend that and meet his family. I don't think my car would have made it if it looked like this:

Or this:

And probably not this:

As it is, my car is still intact, so we are good to go.

Now all that's left to do is pack and send up a real prayer to Jesus so that he knows I was joking.
Have a great weekend you guys!