You know what I wish I could do when my niece acts up? I wish I could just call the cops and have her handcuffed and hauled away. I mean, who wants to deal with a tantrum-having-child? I certainly don't. What do you do to calm them down? Sure, you could scold them and put them in time-out until they calm down enough to hear what you're saying, but who wants to deal with that.
That's why I applaud the police and school staff in Queens who put handcuffs on this seven year old child when he began throwing a tantrum because he wasn't able to paint his egg the way he wanted it to be. Nevermind that the mother was already on her way to pick the child up. Why should they wait. This angry child was a threat to the joyous spirit of easter. That is just unacceptable. Didn't he know that other kids were trying to paint their eggs in peace? Didn't he know that the staff may not be able to deal with the fact that a seven year old doesn't rationally think out his actions? What an inconsiderate child. Obviously the only answer is to take him to the hospital like he's hopped up on drugs and training to be the next BTK serial killer.
The moral of the story to me? Maybe you'll think twice next time you want to cut the art department out of the curriculum.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Isn't It Ironic
In high school I had a conversation with one of my classmates about the meaning of irony. She just didn't get it. I tried everything I could think of to explain it to her.
Me: You know when something bad happens but the way it happened/the end result of it makes it a tad bit funny?
Idiot girl: I have no idea what you mean...
Me: *sigh* Okay, you know when something happens to someone and they tell you about it, and you kind of chuckle and say 'ha, man that sucks..'
Idiot girl: Why would I laugh when something bad happens to someone else?
Me: Because sometimes it's funny.
Idiotic overly empathetic girl: But it's not funny.
Me: You know the Alanis Morissette song? (Yes, I went there. I had no choice by this point.)
I then went on to go through the song lyric by lyric, stanza by stanza, word by annoying word, and explain to her why these things described irony.
I wish I knew her today because I have finally found the answer to her question.
It's like forgetting to put a quarter in the meter and coming back after ten minutes to find out that you have a five dollar ticket on your windshield.
Isn't it ironic?
Don't you think?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
It's Probably Not True Love
We've all been on them. Whether or not it's because your mother thinks you're too lonely, or you've just lost a bet with your best friend about who can take the most shots of tequila in a row without puking. Maybe you really though it was a good idea at first but then realized that you'd rather be melting your fingernails off with a Bic lighter than continue your current torture.
Bad dates.
So how do you swiftly end the evening without turning your hands into a scabby mess that will screw up your chances of actually going out with someone decent?
Here's some things I like to do. These make sure I'm not asked out again and entertain me until I can go home, get drunk and booty-call my last boyfriend because I suddenly realized maybe he's not so bad after all.
1.) Babies. Talk about babies. Talk about having babies, talk about your biological clock ticking away inside of your ready uterus, talk about how cute it is when they snot/puke/drool/coo/poop on you. *Talk about the adorable physical features that your mutual baby will have.*
2.) Inform him, in full detail, how your period (or 'womanly time of the month' if you're feeling nice) affects you both physically and emotionally. I suggest adding personalized stories like, Oh. My. God. A few weeks ago my friend Peggy and I were about to start our 'womanly time of the month' at the same time! Boy was that a funny week. But it wasn't funny at the time because we were sooooo cranky. We got into so many fights. About nothing! We had a fight about whether or not my cat was bright orange or had faded since it got older. Boy, was I mad!....... ......
3.) Excuse yourself to the bathroom at least five times. Tell him it's because you prefer to throw up your food instead of getting fat. Also inform him that he'll appreciate it when you two get married. This might get you a second date, though. I heard that guys love talking about marriage with a woman they just met. Also, be careful on the baby subject.
4.) Excuse yourself to the bathroom at least five times. Tell him that you are lactose intolerant, and that the glass of milk you had earlier is finally 'making it's way out' and that boy are you glad that the gassy stage is finally over. Then continue to describe to him exactly how it feels when this happens. Luckily for you I happen to be lactose intolerant so I can tell you. It feels like the beginning stage of 'Oh fuck I'm about to get diarrhea' mixed with horrible menstrual cramps.
5.) Since he probably doesn't know what menstrual cramps feel like you should feel obligated to fill him in on the details now.
6.) Pick your nose/blow your nose/fart/burp/suck snot through your nose and swallow it/bite your nail and spit it out onto the floor/start picking at your toenails/all of the above.
If all of the above fail, and he is still showing interest in your less than appealing personality, try this:
6a.) Grab a knife and place it against your skin until there is an indentation but no breakage. Sigh, look at him, and say, 'I know I shouldn't. I stopped a long time ago but sometimes I just like to feel the knife against my arm. It's like it makes the pain almost go away. Maybe just a small cut. *sigh* No, I guess I'd better not.' Next, ask him to take you home because you suddenly remember that you have 'pressing' matters to attend to. Use air quotes. Everybody loves air quotes. He'll think you're hilarious and take you to meet his mom right away.
*6b.) ...begin talking to yourself in muttering tones until you suddenly look up at him and say, 'Shit! I forgot to take my medication! You'd better take me home!' *
And next time use the lime when shooting the tequila. It'll help curb the gag reflex.
** Provided for you by Smichelle
Bad dates.
So how do you swiftly end the evening without turning your hands into a scabby mess that will screw up your chances of actually going out with someone decent?
Here's some things I like to do. These make sure I'm not asked out again and entertain me until I can go home, get drunk and booty-call my last boyfriend because I suddenly realized maybe he's not so bad after all.
1.) Babies. Talk about babies. Talk about having babies, talk about your biological clock ticking away inside of your ready uterus, talk about how cute it is when they snot/puke/drool/coo/poop on you. *Talk about the adorable physical features that your mutual baby will have.*
2.) Inform him, in full detail, how your period (or 'womanly time of the month' if you're feeling nice) affects you both physically and emotionally. I suggest adding personalized stories like, Oh. My. God. A few weeks ago my friend Peggy and I were about to start our 'womanly time of the month' at the same time! Boy was that a funny week. But it wasn't funny at the time because we were sooooo cranky. We got into so many fights. About nothing! We had a fight about whether or not my cat was bright orange or had faded since it got older. Boy, was I mad!....... ......
3.) Excuse yourself to the bathroom at least five times. Tell him it's because you prefer to throw up your food instead of getting fat. Also inform him that he'll appreciate it when you two get married. This might get you a second date, though. I heard that guys love talking about marriage with a woman they just met. Also, be careful on the baby subject.
4.) Excuse yourself to the bathroom at least five times. Tell him that you are lactose intolerant, and that the glass of milk you had earlier is finally 'making it's way out' and that boy are you glad that the gassy stage is finally over. Then continue to describe to him exactly how it feels when this happens. Luckily for you I happen to be lactose intolerant so I can tell you. It feels like the beginning stage of 'Oh fuck I'm about to get diarrhea' mixed with horrible menstrual cramps.
5.) Since he probably doesn't know what menstrual cramps feel like you should feel obligated to fill him in on the details now.
6.) Pick your nose/blow your nose/fart/burp/suck snot through your nose and swallow it/bite your nail and spit it out onto the floor/start picking at your toenails/all of the above.
If all of the above fail, and he is still showing interest in your less than appealing personality, try this:
6a.) Grab a knife and place it against your skin until there is an indentation but no breakage. Sigh, look at him, and say, 'I know I shouldn't. I stopped a long time ago but sometimes I just like to feel the knife against my arm. It's like it makes the pain almost go away. Maybe just a small cut. *sigh* No, I guess I'd better not.' Next, ask him to take you home because you suddenly remember that you have 'pressing' matters to attend to. Use air quotes. Everybody loves air quotes. He'll think you're hilarious and take you to meet his mom right away.
*6b.) ...begin talking to yourself in muttering tones until you suddenly look up at him and say, 'Shit! I forgot to take my medication! You'd better take me home!' *
And next time use the lime when shooting the tequila. It'll help curb the gag reflex.
** Provided for you by Smichelle
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Lying Only Helps Other People Win
Since our lease is almost up, our landlord has once again begun telling us that the roaches are our fault.
Both Shmichelle and I are extremely fed up with this. We contacted the city offices for advice, and then tried to set up a face to face meeting with him so that we could deliver a written, signed letter insisting that this problem be completely taken care of within fourteen days.
Once: he said he was busy, and turned us down.
Twice: he said that he would not be able to have a meeting, and turned us down.
Thrice! he said that he was not interested in talking about how we want out of our lease early, and turned us down.
All in the same day. I've dealt with rejection before but I think the whole 'woman scorned' thing is going to have to come into effect here.
I hope we get this lying bastard of a man. I hope we get him good!
Both Shmichelle and I are extremely fed up with this. We contacted the city offices for advice, and then tried to set up a face to face meeting with him so that we could deliver a written, signed letter insisting that this problem be completely taken care of within fourteen days.
Once: he said he was busy, and turned us down.
Twice: he said that he would not be able to have a meeting, and turned us down.
Thrice! he said that he was not interested in talking about how we want out of our lease early, and turned us down.
All in the same day. I've dealt with rejection before but I think the whole 'woman scorned' thing is going to have to come into effect here.
I hope we get this lying bastard of a man. I hope we get him good!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Beware: There's A Lot Of Fuck In Here
I usually try and post humorous and funny shit.
I don't think I can do that tonight.
Before I went to work I spent a few hours watching videos about Ivory Coast (Cote D'Ivoire) on the internet.
This was probably a mistake.
As most of you know, I spent my childhood there as a missionary kid. I've always had forlorn memories about the country; specifically Abidjan, Yamossoukro, and Buoake.
Abidjan is the city I lived in, Bouake is the city in which my oldest sister went to boarding school, and Yamossoukro is the old capital. We also used to go there once a year for a missions conference and passed through it on the way to Buoake.
Geography lesson over.
I am distraught. I have spent the past however many years living with my glorified memories about Africa. My childhood memories if you will.
Today I feel as if those were completely shattered. I pretty much spent the afternoon watching my childhood home being destroyed over and over again.
Then, I became angry. This has been going on for a long time. This time it has been bad since september, but I know for a fact that the missionaries were evacuated a couple years after we left.
It has rarely been in the news until now.
The US is doing nothing about it as far as I know.
That's cool, though. I'm sure the middle east needs our help much much more that the Ivory Coast.
But our war isn't about oil.
Right?
Who gives a fuck about cocoa beans.
The inner EvilTwin in me wants to say:
Fuckity Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck.
It's all a bunch of shit.
I may have a some whiskey....
Or lots of whiskey.....
But it's still shit.
Shouldn't our fake war for democracy extend to this?
Fuck.
I don't think I can do that tonight.
Before I went to work I spent a few hours watching videos about Ivory Coast (Cote D'Ivoire) on the internet.
This was probably a mistake.
As most of you know, I spent my childhood there as a missionary kid. I've always had forlorn memories about the country; specifically Abidjan, Yamossoukro, and Buoake.
Abidjan is the city I lived in, Bouake is the city in which my oldest sister went to boarding school, and Yamossoukro is the old capital. We also used to go there once a year for a missions conference and passed through it on the way to Buoake.
Geography lesson over.
I am distraught. I have spent the past however many years living with my glorified memories about Africa. My childhood memories if you will.
Today I feel as if those were completely shattered. I pretty much spent the afternoon watching my childhood home being destroyed over and over again.
Then, I became angry. This has been going on for a long time. This time it has been bad since september, but I know for a fact that the missionaries were evacuated a couple years after we left.
It has rarely been in the news until now.
The US is doing nothing about it as far as I know.
That's cool, though. I'm sure the middle east needs our help much much more that the Ivory Coast.
But our war isn't about oil.
Right?
Who gives a fuck about cocoa beans.
The inner EvilTwin in me wants to say:
Fuckity Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck.
It's all a bunch of shit.
I may have a some whiskey....
Or lots of whiskey.....
But it's still shit.
Shouldn't our fake war for democracy extend to this?
Fuck.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
When In Rome....Again...
This is not because I'm feeling super lazy today. I just thought you all would like to enjoy something I've already written. I'm really thinking of you.
You're welcome.
Now enjoy this repost.
When In Rome, Find Out What They Don't Want You To Do So You Can Annoy Them
Everyone knows that sudden urge to rebel when someone tells you not to do something. Personally, I get a very strong urge to push a person's face into the dirt when they tell me to do (or not do) something. I think it's called problems with authority. Just ask Shmony and Shmjason.
What it you knew of magical laws across the United States that are just asking to be broken?
Never fear, bloggers, never fear. I can help you.
To read a much larger list of stupid laws, click here. For now, I have compiled a bit of an appetizer for you before heading out into the webs of inter to check it out for yourself.
FLORIDA
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle
Do they charge extra for over sized anim vehicles? And if it's a baby elephant can it be parked like a motorcycle?
NEW YORK
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
If you don't die on the first attempt do they just take you back up to the top and push you off again?
NORTH DAKOTA
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Can they be served separately and consumed at the same time? Do you have to finish your beer before being allowed to eat a pretzel? Can you share your neighbor's pretzels? Ah, this is too complicated. We'll just serve peanuts.
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
Next time you fuck with someone after they've passed out drunk with their shoes on in North Dakota, you can inform them that it was your civil duty to do so.
TEXAS
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
Dear City Bank, I will be robbing you at approximately three p.m. on the third of May. My reason is that I am tired of not being able to pay my mortgage due to the large amounts of cocaine I have to purchase to feed my habit, and I just thought that since you have so much cash on hand it wouldn't be a big deal. You will know me by the black mask with eyeholes that I will be wearing, and the orange daisy which will be pinned to my black sweatshirt.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Did they ban the internet too? Because I'm pretty sure that there are plenty of webpages that tell you how to make beer.
And my favorite.....
ALABAMA
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church
Are you kidding? How else are you supposed to enjoy church. Have you ever sat through a sermon? Much more enjoyable when wearing a fake mustache that is causing seven year old next to you to burst into fits of loud, inappropriate giggles.
You're welcome.
Now enjoy this repost.
When In Rome, Find Out What They Don't Want You To Do So You Can Annoy Them
Everyone knows that sudden urge to rebel when someone tells you not to do something. Personally, I get a very strong urge to push a person's face into the dirt when they tell me to do (or not do) something. I think it's called problems with authority. Just ask Shmony and Shmjason.
What it you knew of magical laws across the United States that are just asking to be broken?
Never fear, bloggers, never fear. I can help you.
To read a much larger list of stupid laws, click here. For now, I have compiled a bit of an appetizer for you before heading out into the webs of inter to check it out for yourself.
FLORIDA
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle
Do they charge extra for over sized anim vehicles? And if it's a baby elephant can it be parked like a motorcycle?
NEW YORK
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
If you don't die on the first attempt do they just take you back up to the top and push you off again?
NORTH DAKOTA
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Can they be served separately and consumed at the same time? Do you have to finish your beer before being allowed to eat a pretzel? Can you share your neighbor's pretzels? Ah, this is too complicated. We'll just serve peanuts.
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
Next time you fuck with someone after they've passed out drunk with their shoes on in North Dakota, you can inform them that it was your civil duty to do so.
TEXAS
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
Dear City Bank, I will be robbing you at approximately three p.m. on the third of May. My reason is that I am tired of not being able to pay my mortgage due to the large amounts of cocaine I have to purchase to feed my habit, and I just thought that since you have so much cash on hand it wouldn't be a big deal. You will know me by the black mask with eyeholes that I will be wearing, and the orange daisy which will be pinned to my black sweatshirt.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Did they ban the internet too? Because I'm pretty sure that there are plenty of webpages that tell you how to make beer.
And my favorite.....
ALABAMA
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church
Are you kidding? How else are you supposed to enjoy church. Have you ever sat through a sermon? Much more enjoyable when wearing a fake mustache that is causing seven year old next to you to burst into fits of loud, inappropriate giggles.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Not That Guy Again!
I've always hated four-way stops. They are like russian roulette. Or in high school when you really didn't want to get stuck with 'that guy' as your lab partner.
Every time I get to one I stop my car and look around. I judge the other cars based on their appearance, and the age of their drivers. Knowing that one of them is destined to get in front of me, I wait with baited breath to find out who I'm going to be stuck with for the next five blocks.
Could it be that shiny black Corolla with the douchey sunglasses guy even though it's cloudy with a ninety percent chance of rain?
What about the stereotypical Buick with the man who look like he's pounding on death's door begging to be let in?
Maybe it's the minivan with the woman who's constantly pushing her Yorkie off her lap because she hasn't discovered doggie seat belts yet.
Shit.
I got the cement truck that goes five miles an hour even though it is safe to drive thirty miles an hour or above.
I really hope no one from my insurance company ever looks inside my car because I'm going to have an extremely tough time explaining huge dent in my steering wheel from where I banged my head so many times.
Hey. I was going five miles an hour. It was perfectly safe to do that.
Every time I get to one I stop my car and look around. I judge the other cars based on their appearance, and the age of their drivers. Knowing that one of them is destined to get in front of me, I wait with baited breath to find out who I'm going to be stuck with for the next five blocks.
Could it be that shiny black Corolla with the douchey sunglasses guy even though it's cloudy with a ninety percent chance of rain?
What about the stereotypical Buick with the man who look like he's pounding on death's door begging to be let in?
Maybe it's the minivan with the woman who's constantly pushing her Yorkie off her lap because she hasn't discovered doggie seat belts yet.
Shit.
I got the cement truck that goes five miles an hour even though it is safe to drive thirty miles an hour or above.
I really hope no one from my insurance company ever looks inside my car because I'm going to have an extremely tough time explaining huge dent in my steering wheel from where I banged my head so many times.
Hey. I was going five miles an hour. It was perfectly safe to do that.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Thanks Wal-Mart, I Mean Marketside.
Dear Marketside:
I wanted to thank you for the lovely loaf of bread that my roommate bought. How did you know that we were trying to eat healthy?
I really just hate it when I get a loaf of bread and it's way too full of, well, bread. All those terrible carbs that I am forced to put on my sandwiches. I've been waiting for someone to take action and fix this problem for me.
Then you come along, Marketside. You come along with your wisdom and empathy towards our personal needs. How did you know that putting a large hole 3/4ths of the way through the loaf would help us lose weight and feel better about ourselves? You are the smartest, prettiest and simply by far the best company we have ever purchased from. I tell you what. I am a lifelong customer now.
Since we have become so close in the last hour, I'd like to bring something up.
I'm worried about you.
I know that there's a whole lot of hoo-ha in the copywrite/not-ripping-people-off department in this country. I'm worried that you might have stolen this idea from one of the millions of clever 'Ten Tips To Lose Weight Fast' articles I've seen all over MSN.com.
Since we're friends and I don't want you to get in trouble, I thought I should bring this to your attention. I don't want some blogger or small time magazine journalist out there suing you. They might obtain rights to your company and begin making whole loaves of bread again.
We can't have that.
Anyway, thanks again for being so considerate of the low-carb needs out there. You really are the best.
Love and kisses,
(XOXOXOXO)
Kara and Shmishelle
I wanted to thank you for the lovely loaf of bread that my roommate bought. How did you know that we were trying to eat healthy?
I really just hate it when I get a loaf of bread and it's way too full of, well, bread. All those terrible carbs that I am forced to put on my sandwiches. I've been waiting for someone to take action and fix this problem for me.
Then you come along, Marketside. You come along with your wisdom and empathy towards our personal needs. How did you know that putting a large hole 3/4ths of the way through the loaf would help us lose weight and feel better about ourselves? You are the smartest, prettiest and simply by far the best company we have ever purchased from. I tell you what. I am a lifelong customer now.
Since we have become so close in the last hour, I'd like to bring something up.
I'm worried about you.
I know that there's a whole lot of hoo-ha in the copywrite/not-ripping-people-off department in this country. I'm worried that you might have stolen this idea from one of the millions of clever 'Ten Tips To Lose Weight Fast' articles I've seen all over MSN.com.
Since we're friends and I don't want you to get in trouble, I thought I should bring this to your attention. I don't want some blogger or small time magazine journalist out there suing you. They might obtain rights to your company and begin making whole loaves of bread again.
We can't have that.
Anyway, thanks again for being so considerate of the low-carb needs out there. You really are the best.
Love and kisses,
(XOXOXOXO)
Kara and Shmishelle
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Capstone Accomplished
I have to say, I feel better today than I have in quite awhile.
I had to take the History Capstone, and ended up having a really great time. What better way to spend a Saturday morning than in a room full of pompous ass Historians who have been trained to look an historical events and analyze/break down/make fun of them to the most thorough degree.
I really did have a good time, though. I was a bit worried about this test, but it was more of an intensely in-depth class discussion.
Plus, I haven't done anything too mentally challenging all year. I had begun to feel a bit down on myself because I felt that I wasn't doing anything constructive. Mainly I felt like a loser. The past few days have revamped some pride in me that had been dwindling away for quite some time. I remembered that I enjoyed doing this. I remembered that I am good at this. 'This' pretty much encompasses all the studying and analyzing that I have done over the past four days. 'This' made me feel good about myself again. 'This' gave me new motivation to look towards the future instead of the now.
Plus, the woman teaching the class gave me a great compliment.
Well you're just coming up with all sorts of great ideas over there.
She's one of those awkward women who you are surprised to find out that she has a husband instead of twenty cats. The ones that barely hang on to the basis of their social skills in order to communicate.
Mainly, the type of person that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside when they tell you that you're any sort of smart, when you would have just felt sarcasm and mocking if anyone else had said it.
Best part of the day, though?
They totally gave us pizza.
I had to take the History Capstone, and ended up having a really great time. What better way to spend a Saturday morning than in a room full of pompous ass Historians who have been trained to look an historical events and analyze/break down/make fun of them to the most thorough degree.
I really did have a good time, though. I was a bit worried about this test, but it was more of an intensely in-depth class discussion.
Plus, I haven't done anything too mentally challenging all year. I had begun to feel a bit down on myself because I felt that I wasn't doing anything constructive. Mainly I felt like a loser. The past few days have revamped some pride in me that had been dwindling away for quite some time. I remembered that I enjoyed doing this. I remembered that I am good at this. 'This' pretty much encompasses all the studying and analyzing that I have done over the past four days. 'This' made me feel good about myself again. 'This' gave me new motivation to look towards the future instead of the now.
Plus, the woman teaching the class gave me a great compliment.
Well you're just coming up with all sorts of great ideas over there.
She's one of those awkward women who you are surprised to find out that she has a husband instead of twenty cats. The ones that barely hang on to the basis of their social skills in order to communicate.
Mainly, the type of person that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside when they tell you that you're any sort of smart, when you would have just felt sarcasm and mocking if anyone else had said it.
Best part of the day, though?
They totally gave us pizza.
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