How Would Jesus Smell?

Well folks, the time of year to celebrate Jesus rising from the dead has come. Personally, I think it was a little inconsiderate of Jesus to rise up after three days of rotting away in a tomb. You know that he didn't bathe in the nearest river right away. No, he had a conversation with Mary Magdalene with his three-morning breath and let her kneel at his unwashed decaying feet. When he came to his followers none of them could even recognize him. That goes to show that not even the son of God can look good after a three day death nap. And Lazarus? He was dead for four days before Jesus decided that he could live a little longer. Don't know what kind of life that could have been afterwards. I've never tried to wash the smell of rotting flesh from myself, but I don't think that shit goes away.

I have difficulty connecting with the Easter story, because it just doesn't make sense to me. I understand the meaning behind it, and I grew up hearing it over and over again. As an adult, though, I have a tougher time believing in people just up and rising from the dead after days and being perfectly fine. I'd rather believe that the zombie apocalypse (which I slightly blame Jesus for starting) is going to occur than believe that people are randomly going to be able to die for three days, walk out of their sealed tomb, and go visit their friends like nothing happened.

"I don't remember the last time I've felt this rested! Praise my father!"

When it comes down to it I wasn't there so I can't say it didn't actually go down the way a bunch of old men who may or may not have been directly involved wrote it forty years after it happened. Maybe it did. If a seven foot tall bunny can break into my house and leave me a neon colored plastic basket filled with candy in the middle of the night without me noticing then maybe a guy can get sealed inside a tomb then rise up smelling like springtime and purity.