I think it's time for a new one.
So I am going to undertake the task of writing my resume so that I can send it in to places that will make me feel like an actual grown-up instead of a really old teenager.
So let's see....
Relevant skills:
I can drink the shit out of diet coke. If the building should ever be flooded with foaming waves of this delicious beverage, just give me a glass and I'll probably save the building before your paperwork even gets wet.
I have an intense gift of sarcasm. I can probably find a way to make fun of anything that you throw in front of me and you may or may not know that I am doing it. Until later. When you sadly realize that I was really making fun of you the entire time. Then you cry. Crying keeps the moral down. That way the employees don't rebel. Therefore, I will keep your organization working smoothly together under the nonsense rules that you have put in place.
I have very large, expressive brown eyes. When I look sad people like to give me things. You can use this to your advantage. Just place me in front of a difficult client and they will give in within ten seconds of looking at the downtrodden expression embedded in my retinas.
I can smoke a cigarette in under five minutes. This will ensure that I spend less time dilly-dallying out back, and more time pretending to work up front.
I am great at Super Mario World. Inter-company competitions? Never fear! You will leave the rest in shame if you have me on your team!
So there you have it. Those are my skills. Think I have a chance of getting my dream job by the weekend?
