Monday, April 2, 2012
Four score and seven years ago our father brought forth on the continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, that would eventually be taken over and ravaged by vampires.
Confused? So was I since I never learned this part of history when in school. I have recently come to find out that everything I learned was a lie, and wanted to share my new found knowledge with my blogger friends. Before I start, though, I need you to find your nearest window. You may also want to store this location in your memory for when you want to jump to your death at the end of this blog post. Open the window. Now, take everything you have ever learned about Abraham Lincoln and throw it out. Just toss it on out into the free open air never to be heard of again, because the truth is about to take our known history and bang its head on the pavement until it stops trying to spread these awful, awful lies.
Now that you have cleared your head you are ready to hear the truth. Lincoln was not the great man we thought he was. He was better. This baddass of history not only ended slavery and brought the nation back together, but he was also a killer of those pesky little blood-suckers we call Vampires.
According to the novel, Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Slayer, by Seth Grahame-Smith, Lincoln found out at age eleven that Vampires do exist, and they killed both his grandfather and mother. Being the all-mighty future president/hero that he is, Lincoln began killing Vampires, including the one that killed his mother.
If that plot line isn't awesome enough, you find out through the book that the Vampires who were leaving Europe (those damn English causing problems for us Americans again) to come to the United States had been using the slave trade to find humans on which to feed. Well Lincoln couldn't just stand by and let that happen, especially when he found out that these Vampires were planning on starting a Civil War and enslaving the entire country. And what do you do when white people are about to be enslaved along with black people? Well you finally actually do something about it of course. Good job Smith for incorporating that into your plot.
The book ends with Lincoln being killed by a Vampire version of John Wilkes Booth, who is surprised that the other Vampires aren't rallying around him, finds himself alone, and is supposedly killed by one of the good Vampires in the story. This Civil-War-Meets-Twilight novel ends with the good Vampire and Abraham Lincoln attending Martin Luther King Jr.'s I Have a Dream speech, because 'some people are just too interesting to die.'
Don't feel like reading the book? You don't have to. Tim Burton is helping produce the film which, contrary to my opinion of it being a comedy, is under the genre or horror and thriller.