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Do you have unanswered life questions? Maybe you just want to say hello to me. Well, you're welcome to e-mail me at If nothing else it just makes me happy.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

That Was Close!

Well, I have officially returned from the rapture. I know that some of you were worried that I was just being lazy and not posting on here. No way. I would never do that to you all. Keeping my clever words to myself is like not sharing the last bits of moldy plum jelly on stale bread  with your well-fed neighbor. It's just rude.

My excuse is that Jesus descended from heaven, took me into a loving and caressing embrace, and lifted me up to my own personal castle in the sky. When I got there, though, I realized that it was very lonely. As I've found out since escaping the clutches of eternal happiness, no one else was taken. I just had to sit around with the beautiful Victoria's Secret model-esque angels and eat bagels with cream cheese on them all day. Those angels aren't ones for interesting conversations. All they wanted to talk about was the glory of God and how they don't really mind that they don't have free will because the cream cheese now comes with jelly mixed into it. I kept trying to talk about my favorite subject, sex, but the only response I got was that I wasn't married so I shouldn't know anything about that. Talk about frustrating.

Even worse than the lonely atmosphere was the fact that there was no internet in heaven. When Shmishelle took her internet with her she must have accidentally unhooked the holy webs as well. I asked the angels who their service provider was but all they cared about was whether I wanted grape or strawberry on my bagel.

So, a couple days ago I escaped. It was much simpler than you would imagine. I simply began breaking the ten commandments one by one until God became so fed up that he had one of his angels pack a bag and send me back to my tiny apartment in Kansas. She packed me a lunchbox but by that time I was so sick of eating those damn bagels that I purposely dropped it on cloud six or seven during my decent back to earth.

So now things are back to normal. I restored the internet back to its proper place in my home and returned to hang out with my blogger friends who don't have problems with conversations surrounding immorality and all-around bad behavior.

Now I have to go find a homeless person to give the boxes of cream cheese and blueberry bagels that keep mysteriously appearing outside my door.


  1. Thank God you got out of there. It must have been hell. hahahaha, oh stop, you laughed, I saw you.

  2. Oh my God (that's number three...)! I did laugh very much at that.

  3. God is such a rapturer. Why do they say the streets are lined with gold? What's so great about that? You can't break a chunk off and take it to a pawn shop. I think Heaven's streets are lined with pillows. In fact, I think heaven is one big bed where everyone has sex and eats cream cheese.

    Loved this blog. =)

  4. Congratulations on escaping the clutches of Jesus. I did the same when I was in chatechism at age 9.

  5. One sentence would have gotten you kicked out a lot sooner: "Who's a girl gotta fuck around here to get a slice of bacon?" You've got your sex, your profanity, and your unholy swine all wrapped into one.

  6. so happy you escaped sounds rather boring and what no sex talk that just can't be. anyways good to hear from you and i promise if any angels come looking for you i won't tell them i saw you. Shhh my lips are sealed

    Everyday Life


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