Stay Away From Me With Your Hugs!

Today is national hug day.

Fuck that mess.

So while I go barracade myself in the back of my closet with a fort made out of laundry baskets, bananas, and an old shoe so that no one tries to hug me, please enjoy this repost about one of the men who broke my heart. It's okay, his is clogged with fake taco meat and processed cheese now.



Cinderella Was Right; Dreams Really Do Come True (repost)

No, this is not my ex.

Some people talk about out of body experiences. You know, those small moments in life that make you wake up and see the world for the truly great place it is. I had one of these moments a few nights ago at a local bar in town. I wasn’t meditating, I wasn’t taking acid to broaden my mind, I was just having a few drinks with a friend to console him due to the fact that he had been broken up with over a text message that day. It was a normal night. I was just going about my business bonding with the whiskey in my glass and occasionally offering up a pat on the back to my grieved friend when it happened.
I walked outside to the courtyard of the bar and began talking to my friend. I nonchalantly took a seat in the chair next to her and glanced around to see if there was any one more interesting to talk to. There, four feet away from me, sat a man around the age of twenty-five (the term ‘man’ is used VERY loosely here). I kind of recognized the t-shirt he was wearing and looked about four times as I was almost certain I recognized the person wearing the shirt. As he got up and awkwardly walked away after the quadruple-take , I was certain I knew who it was, and he was quite a bit heavier than the last time I saw him. Yes ladies, the dream had come true and it was truly one of the greatest moments of my life; my ex-boyfriend had gotten fat. He is now a fat fat mcfatty fatterson. He had been getting a little chubby during the last stretch of dating him, but in the last month the pot smoking and the taco bell eating contests must have really caught up with him.

We sat in the bar for the rest of the evening, both not willing to make eye contact with or acknowledge the other person, both not willing to be the one who gives in and leaves the uncomfortable situation, and I kept glancing over not believing my good fortune. I know some of you may be thinking that this sounds a little mean, but this is the moment that every girl who has had her heart broken dreams about; the moment where she can glance over at the man she once loved and say, ‘Ha!’.

So here’s to you, taco bell. You truly do make people’s dreams come true. I cheers my next whiskey drink to you.

Don't Worry Neighbor We'll Take You In Repost

It is gorgeous outside and I am in the middle of a book, so for you viewing pleasure today I bring you a soothing (reposted) tale of corporate lies.

Enjoy!



I remember being told about a restaurant commercial a couple years ago. This commercial was for a restaurant that I have never heard of and certainly don't work at. For the hell of it, we'll just call it Shmupplebees.
Apparently, in this commercial, all of the staff (servers, cooks, hosts, manager) were leaving work at the same time (because we know that everyone in the restaurant completes their closing work at the exact same time) with smiles on their faces. Smiles. Manager must have been giving his employees some adult happy juice during the shift.
Well, they are about to lock the door and a team pulls up, just having lost their (I'm assuming football) game. They look so dejected about sucking at their sport of choice not being able to enjoy the fine dining experience of Shmupplebees, that the staff immediately unlocks the door, fires up the grills, and changes the lives of these fine young gentlemen of society forever.
What the fuck?
Who made this commercial? This person has obviously never served before. Unless that team brought in a very large bottle of tequila, my ass would've been out of there hightailing it to the nearest bar.

Thirty and Flirty Repost

I may have spent my blogging time taking a nap today. Luckily for you I was just as funny a few months ago as I am today. So, without further ado, here is a lovely repost for you go enjoy. So enjoy it!!!!

Thirty Flirty and...Oh Wait, You're Just Insecure About Turning Forty

I feel like I've mentioned this, but I don't feel like actually checking so I will state it again; I work in a restaurant as a server. This is important because it gives me a broader vicinity in which to interact with people, and therefore more opportunity to make fun of them. Tonight I served a gentleman and his young son. This is roughly how part of the conversation went.



Me: "Here's your drinks, do you know what you want to order?"

Thirty to forty year old man: "We'd just like to sit for awhile. My twin boys are evil and I finally got rid of one of them so I'd like to sit here and drink an abundance of beer while pretending to take care of my son."

Me: "Alright sir, well take your time deciding because I definitely have nothing better to do."



After awhile I went back and the kid ordered a corndog. In the process of getting the corndog choice out of the child I had to deal with more conversation.



Me: "Have you finally decided because I would like to buy beer while I still can."

Thirty to forty year old man to son: "Is this the one you thought was cute?"

Son: "I like to pretend that I like girls more than I do at my young age so that my father who neglects me unless I'm forced upon him by his ex-wife/my mother will think I'm worth paying attention to."

Me: "He's just insecure about the fact that he's going to be forty soon and doesn't really love you. Sorry kid, I hate your dad and he's just using you to hit on a mid-twenties waitress who he probably thinks is in her very early twenties because he has no concept of age due to the large amount of beer he has drank tonight."

Son: "I hate my life."

Me: "Me too. It'll get better once you're old enough to drink beer."

Son: "I'll have a corndog and my father is going to take years off of your life due to the immense amount of time it will take him to decide what he wants when in actuality he's just going to order a sandwich togo and waste your time."



Indeed, after drinking more beers than I was legally allowed to give him (and did anyway because I really do not care) the man orders a reuben togo. They were in there for over an hour during which time I had to go up to them randomly, pretend to care what he was saying, and pretend to like his kid. Their bill came to a little under twenty-seven dollars. He hands me twenty-eight and tells me he does not need any change. I put up with a lot of assholes at my job but that is because I'm a personality whore and I love money. So to you thirty-to-forty-year-old-man, I say this...



You are almost forty. Your child is not half bad but you talk about how terrible he is in front of him to make your crappy existence feel better by making someone feel bad about themselves. You are teaching him to treat women very poorly and using him to try and seduce young servers into thinking that you are charming. This means you sneakily sexually harass women through your son and he will probably learn the same disgusting habits that you have. This also means that unless he turns out good looking he will never get laid on a regular basis. After all this you left me a dollar because god forbid I wouldn't flirt back with you. This is because you are almost forty and you treat your son like crap. I am in my mid-twenties and I have no children so I am not interested in you, your dollar or your son. Also, you're almost forty; sorry about your luck on that one.