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Friday, January 21, 2011

Stay Away From Me With Your Hugs!

Today is national hug day.

Fuck that mess.

So while I go barracade myself in the back of my closet with a fort made out of laundry baskets, bananas, and an old shoe so that no one tries to hug me, please enjoy this repost about one of the men who broke my heart. It's okay, his is clogged with fake taco meat and processed cheese now.

Cinderella Was Right; Dreams Really Do Come True (repost)

No, this is not my ex.

Some people talk about out of body experiences. You know, those small moments in life that make you wake up and see the world for the truly great place it is. I had one of these moments a few nights ago at a local bar in town. I wasn’t meditating, I wasn’t taking acid to broaden my mind, I was just having a few drinks with a friend to console him due to the fact that he had been broken up with over a text message that day. It was a normal night. I was just going about my business bonding with the whiskey in my glass and occasionally offering up a pat on the back to my grieved friend when it happened.
I walked outside to the courtyard of the bar and began talking to my friend. I nonchalantly took a seat in the chair next to her and glanced around to see if there was any one more interesting to talk to. There, four feet away from me, sat a man around the age of twenty-five (the term ‘man’ is used VERY loosely here). I kind of recognized the t-shirt he was wearing and looked about four times as I was almost certain I recognized the person wearing the shirt. As he got up and awkwardly walked away after the quadruple-take , I was certain I knew who it was, and he was quite a bit heavier than the last time I saw him. Yes ladies, the dream had come true and it was truly one of the greatest moments of my life; my ex-boyfriend had gotten fat. He is now a fat fat mcfatty fatterson. He had been getting a little chubby during the last stretch of dating him, but in the last month the pot smoking and the taco bell eating contests must have really caught up with him.

We sat in the bar for the rest of the evening, both not willing to make eye contact with or acknowledge the other person, both not willing to be the one who gives in and leaves the uncomfortable situation, and I kept glancing over not believing my good fortune. I know some of you may be thinking that this sounds a little mean, but this is the moment that every girl who has had her heart broken dreams about; the moment where she can glance over at the man she once loved and say, ‘Ha!’.

So here’s to you, taco bell. You truly do make people’s dreams come true. I cheers my next whiskey drink to you.


  1. haha I LOVE this post! I completely know that feeling =)
    Or when you get yourself together and get into amazing shape. THEN the next time they see you are stumbling over themself doing the quadruple take =) Good times!

  2. (((((((((Kara)))))) I know...but I couldn't resist!!

    That's the best gift ever. To see an ex much later and realize they've gone completely to hell.

  3. Ashley, thank God I was looking pretty that night. It was a great moment in my life.

    Semi True, Damn it! I thought the bananas were foolproof! And, WHY?!?! I feel so violated now....

  4. My dream came true as well. My ex wife, about two weeks after she walked out, she developed an infestation of cystic acne completely covering her face. If you've ever seen Darkman, he was Brad Pitt in comparison. To this day she still looks like Freddy Kreuger and I have a smile on my face from ear to ear.

  5. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    I've never "lol'd" but if I were to ever do it right here would be appropriate, Beau.

  6. yup....

    the eloquence of this post and the excellenceo f life is sometimes the overindulgence of taco hell...

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy

  7. I would say that I'm still waiting for mine but when I broke up with my ex just the look of hurt on his face made my day because that showed him how much he hurt me by cheating on me with someone who he had never met before and was leading her on (first she lived in Nebraska now she lives in Germany).

  8. The ONLY reason I'm not hugging you right now is because I hate that shit, too. When someone breaks your heart, the obvious punishment for them is obesity. The Universe rocks.

    a bitch called mom


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