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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

It's Probably Not True Love

We've all been on them. Whether or not it's because your mother thinks you're too lonely, or you've just lost a bet with your best friend about who can take the most shots of tequila in a row without puking. Maybe you really though it was a good idea at first but then realized that you'd rather be melting your fingernails off with a Bic lighter than continue your current torture.

Bad dates.

So how do you swiftly end the evening without turning your hands into a scabby mess that will screw up your chances of actually going out with someone decent?

Here's some things I like to do. These make sure I'm not asked out again and entertain me until I can go home, get drunk and booty-call my last boyfriend because I suddenly realized maybe he's not so bad after all.

1.) Babies. Talk about babies. Talk about having babies, talk about your biological clock ticking away inside of your ready uterus, talk about how cute it is when they snot/puke/drool/coo/poop on you. *Talk about the adorable physical features that your mutual baby will have.*

2.) Inform him, in full detail, how your period (or 'womanly time of the month' if you're feeling nice) affects you both physically and emotionally. I suggest adding personalized stories like, Oh. My. God. A few weeks ago my friend Peggy and I were about to start our 'womanly time of the month' at the same time! Boy was that a funny week. But it wasn't funny at the time because we were sooooo cranky. We got into so many fights. About nothing! We had a fight about whether or not my cat was bright orange or had faded since it got older. Boy, was I mad!.......  ......

3.) Excuse yourself to the bathroom at least five times. Tell him it's because you prefer to throw up your food instead of getting fat. Also inform him that he'll appreciate it when you two get married. This might get you a second date, though. I heard that guys love talking about marriage with a woman they just met. Also, be careful on the baby subject.

4.) Excuse yourself to the bathroom at least five times. Tell him that you are lactose intolerant, and that the glass of milk you had earlier is finally 'making it's way out' and that boy are you glad that the gassy stage is finally over. Then continue to describe to him exactly how it feels when this happens. Luckily for you I happen to be lactose intolerant so I can tell you. It feels like the beginning stage of 'Oh fuck I'm about to get diarrhea' mixed with horrible menstrual cramps.

5.) Since he probably doesn't know what menstrual cramps feel like you should feel obligated to fill him in on the details now.

6.) Pick your nose/blow your nose/fart/burp/suck snot through your nose and swallow it/bite your nail and spit it out onto the floor/start picking at your toenails/all of the above.

If all of the above fail, and he is still showing interest in your less than appealing personality, try this:

6a.) Grab a knife and place it against your skin until there is an indentation but no breakage. Sigh, look at him, and say, 'I know I shouldn't. I stopped a long time ago but sometimes I just like to feel the knife against my arm. It's like it makes the pain almost go away. Maybe just a small cut. *sigh* No, I guess I'd better not.' Next, ask him to take you home because you suddenly remember that you have 'pressing' matters to attend to. Use air quotes. Everybody loves air quotes. He'll think you're hilarious and take you to meet his mom right away.

*6b.) ...begin talking to yourself in muttering tones until you suddenly look up at him and say, 'Shit! I forgot to take my medication! You'd better take me home!'  *

And next time use the lime when shooting the tequila. It'll help curb the gag reflex.

** Provided for you by Smichelle


  1. Those are awesome. Can you do a list like that for us men folk?

  2. So glad I am not single...

  3. I agree with Mynx. Dating more than one guy at a time is way too complicated.


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