Monday, September 27, 2010
'Tis The Season
Now some people don't get cold sores. I hate you. I really really hate you (while still respecting you as an individual). This one isn't too bad, thank god, but there is still the possibility of worse to come as the lovely Kansas weather keeps teeter-tottering back and forth from warm to cold.
So for those of you who aren't familiar with the emotional and physical pain that accompanies cold sores/fever blisters, I have decided to clear up a few things.
1.) Abreva sucks ass. It does not work. You can spend a small fortune on a tube barely bigger than the tip of your pinkie, slather it all over your lips for the rest of eternity and it. will. do. nothing.
2.) Boys: If you accidentally give a girl a cold sore (yes, they are very contagious), do not give her a tube of Abreva to make up for it. It is not romantic and does not help. I would go with some roses and a card saying 'Sorry for giving you a lifelong social abomination.' (I would go with yellow roses. They are the friendship rose and you most likely will not be more than that with said girl after kissing her when you have a cold sore. Also, it will cost about the same as a tube of Abreva.)
3.) Pointing at someone with a cold sore and screaming out 'HERPES!!!' like you suddenly came down with STD Turrets is not clever. It is annoying and childish and makes me want to plant one on you so that you can feel my pain and I can have sweet revenge (don't worry, I'll send you a bouquet of yellow roses with some Abreva attached to them).
So the next time you see someone with an awkwardly dark shade of lipstick on, or a clever scarf draped around the lower part of their face, politely speak to them as if nothing is out of the ordinary. If not, you may be subjected to an ugly arrangement of flowers at your doorstep in the near future.