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Saturday, October 23, 2010

Dumpster Diving Isn't Just For Used Furniture Anymore

Yesterday a baby was found in a dumpster right here in the city I live in. It was found wrapped in a plastic bag with the umbilical cord still attached, and still covered in blood, placenta, and whatever other baby fluids birth includes.

My roommate's sister knows a lot of people that work at the chain buy-all-you-could-ever-need-mart, we'll just call it Shwal-Mart. I guess one of the girls that works there was rumored to be pregnant, and showed up to work yesterday without a baby bump. My roommate's sister called the police and talked to them about it. She didn't want to turn the girl in unless she had seen for herself that she was no longer pregnant, so she told the police that she would go purchase a few things at Shwal-Mart and check it out for herself.

I don't know all the details, but apparently Shwal-Mart lady is guilty as sin, and will probably be in jail for a long time. Good.

For all those who are thinking that they just cannot handle having a child, there are other places to dump your baby which are much better than a dumpster. I know the name has 'dump' in it, but it's just not appropriate.

  • In the woods. Don't worry, the animals will raise it as their own. It worked for Mowgli didn't it?
  • At a nursery. There are other babies there for it to play with so it'll feel at home.
  • In a basket. Push it down a river and it might end up royalty.
  • In a tree-top. Be careful of the wind blowing; the cradle WILL rock.
  • And, last but not least, at any health care facility, police station, fire station, etc. The safehaven law of Kansas states that a baby may be dropped off at any of these facilities within forty-five days of birth. No questions asked!
So, next time you feel like dumping a baby, don't be a freaking idiot. Dumpster dumping winds you in jail. Everyone will be mad at you. They WILL call the police. You should not be allowed to get pregnant. Seriously, you should be sterilized.

There are many ways to give up your child if you do not feel like taking care of it yourself. These ways are both socially acceptable and legal. I don't want to find the bun you took out of your oven next time I'm dumpster diving.

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