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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Beer? Or Maybe Just A Glass Of A Better Personality With A Lemon Twist?

Today I would like to like to talk about the specimen know as the non-drinker. Personally, I do not have a problem with people who don't drink. I'm proud of you for making good life decisions. Plus, you probably feel a hell of a lot better in the afternoon morning when you wake up.

At work, it is demanded that I suggest alcoholic drinks to my customers. We serve alcohol, and if you come in we would like you to drink some of it. Pretty simple. I usually just suggest a Bud Light or a Margarita. It's what you'll probably order anyway so it looks better if I'm right. Then people think I'm magic. Then they give me a better tip (sometimes).

My problem lies with those non-drinking specimen who get offended when I offer them alcohol. This happened to me the other night. I asked a man if he wanted a Bud Light while he was waiting for the rest of the party to get there. He jutted his head backwards, raised his eyebrows and smirked a bit with the right side of his mouth.

"Noo-o-oo..." he said (say this out loud and make your voice go higher with each 'o' to where it almost sounds like a question at the end. It's not a question, though. It's just condescending).

The other two at the table chortled along with him and all looked at me like I was an idiot.

Look Mr. Deuchy. I have no idea that you don't drink alcohol. I am just trying to do my job and make your ticket as high as a can so that I can get more than a measly two dollars for having to laugh at your awful jokes for an hour.

Here's my advice. Get a shirt (or sweatshirt because it is getting a bit chilly outside) made that clearly states 'I do not drink alcohol so please don't ask me if I want a beer.' If you wear that shirt in my section I'll probably comment on it in a way that makes you think I'm not making fun of you, but I won't pressure you to put any sinful goodness near your lips.

Or just sling back a few cold ones so it won't be so painful when they pry that stick out of your ass.


  1. This is why I don't drink and read blogs. My laptop would have been covered in Long Island Iced Tea after I read that last line. Brilliant idea, btw. I'm all for anesthetized ass-stick removal.

  2. Yeah uber douche.
    I love how some customers think you're a fucking mind reader and enjoy their condescending attitude.

    I don't work in the service industry now but I did my time and at some places, I really enjoyed it!

    PS the captcha was "iroolfa." Now that sounds like something I would say drunk. I ROOOOL faaa k

  3. i thought about letting a kitten die...just this once, but then i remembered i promised i would not let that happen...or some other bs lie, er, uh, i mean...whatever...

    yeah, some people need to be hit about the head and shoulders with a machette (sp) or a chain saw (cuz i can speel er uh spell that) and i LOVE to drink...

    the day they tell me i can't drink anymore is the day they find me in a bathtub...

    nice post as usual...i dig your style...


    stupid stuff i see and hear
    bruce johnson jadip

  4. @ Mrs. Hyde - I'm glad I'm LIT spitting funny to you. Makes me feel almost as warm and fuzzy as the drink would.

    @ ckretsgalore - probably what I sounded like on friday night.

    @ bruce - Seriously. I wasn't joking. It's just polite to end it that way. Blood is damn hard to get out of carpet.

  5. I'd be happy to down all those unwanted beers :)

    by the way, stop by my blog for a give away ending Friday! all you have to do is comment for a copy of The Rebel Housewife Rules! :) Great book, I promise you'll love it!


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