Remember when I posted about this table? (Read it or this post won't make sense.)
At work last night I picked up a drink ticket, thinking I'd pretend to be a good employee for a few minutes and run some beers. I looked at the table where the two Bud Lights were supposed to go and saw my good friends, Mr. Bud Light, DDD Guy and the bitch who shoved them both out of her lady bits.
Rising above the situation I swiftly put the ticket back onto the bar, said Oh HELL no, and walked away.
I'm mature like that.
I am, in fact, so mature that I am going to post my letter to DDD Guy again.
Dear Drunk Drunk Drunk guy,
I'm sorry that you are so insecure that you have to treat people like dog-shit when you know they can't say anything back to you. It's really not your fault. I know that you feel bad about yourself because you don't have the looks or charm to make up for the fact that you have a tiny penis. But being a fat deuchebag isn't all that bad. You can be the funny friend if you can learn to properly make jokes. Even better, you can be that guy that your friend really doesn't like, but keeps around to make himself seem that much more attractive to the ladies. It's like community service, you're helping average-looking people get laid too; just not yourself. I'm sorry you can't find anyone except hookers to have sex with you. But the bright side is that even though you can't see your penis, due to muscle memory your hand can find it every time, so you can still get your cookies.
P.S. - Go fuck yourself. You're the only one who will.