Say Hello To Me!

Do you have unanswered life questions? Maybe you just want to say hello to me. Well, you're welcome to e-mail me at If nothing else it just makes me happy.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Would You Like A Side Of Love For Fifty Cents More?

At Shmupplebees our menu changes roughly every three months or so. We have to go to an early meeting to 'learn about the food,' but really we just watch the same videos as every other meeting we've had.

To help us sell the over-priced/under-tasting items to our tables, we are taught about 'sizzle words.' These are words that can be used to make the food sound better than it actually is.

Would you like to try our creamy spinach dip today?
(Would you like to try our dip which I really don't like because it may as well be a thick spinach soup?)

One time (and I really wish I had stolen one of these menus so I could show it to people) we were sitting at one of these meetings going over the 'sizzle words' in the descriptions on the newest menu. The description of the Nachos was pretty much the same as always, with one exception. After the reader bypasses the usual chips/cheese/jalapenos/pico/etc. he encounters an add-on.

...with a side of love.

With a side of what?

I don't know about you, but that does not sound appetizing to me. I've heard of cooks putting a 'side of love' on things*, but I don't think it should be advertised in the menu. That's just unsanitary.

*I have never seen a cook do this at my restaurant if that makes you feel better. It probably does happen at other places, though. Be nice to your server.


  1. bahahaha!!! rude and funny all in five words =) love it!

  2. A side of love sounds amazing. :)

  3. Makes me want to cook my wings at home.

  4. Most people would never eat out again if they knew what went on in kitchens.

    Most places are pretty decent but you never know. Oh and nice to your server.

    Hey You! Yeah you...the one who we know as soon as you walk through the door that there's going to be a problem. We also know no matter what we do it will not resolve the problem and you're just a cheap cunt looking for a free meal with a side of belittling.

    We FUCK with your food.

  5. That's awesome! "ya, I'll have some nacho's with like a cup of love on the side"

  6. One time our menu read:

    "Club Grill Sandwich
    Smoked Turkey, Virgina Ham, Lettuce, Tomato, Tangy barbecue sauce, between two slices of deliciously toasted white bread."

    That's right folks, virgina ham. Say it out loud, Virgina. Yep as close to vagina as you get without actually saying it. It's like a country boy who got some last night and is telling his buddies about it.
    Please say the in your best "redneck voice:"

    "Hey Jim Bob! I were gettin down 'n dertie with ol Matilda Sue last night and I h've nevr in my intire life felt a virgina like at'un! You evr been with er? Ya gotta see whut that virgina is like. She is smuuth as buttr."

  7. Don't worry, we put stickers over the wrong print with the correctly spelled "Virginia Ham" over the hilarious mis-print.

    Someone probably lost their job, but it was great while it lasted.

  8. Oh my gosh, too funny :) I worked in a restaurant during high school and college, and the word choice we had to use was pretty asinine. I'm pretty sure we didn't call them "sizzle words", though ;)

    So the next time I hit up a restaurant, I'll be armed with questions:
    * Just how creamy is that spinach dip?
    * What's the caloric content of a side of love?


  9. yea im always paranoid about tampered food, never found anything nasty in my food though

  10. i want a side of love with everything...

    but then again...

    i'd also like to teach the world to sing in prefect harmony...

    and grow apple trees and honey bees and snow white turtle doves...

    *sucking in sound* "ear"....*exhales*

    fuck it just google that shit...

  11. If I ever come to visit you at your restaurant, please don't put any 'love' in my nachos...

  12. Yeah that sounds creepy to be put on a menu.

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps


Everytime you don't leave a comment, God kills a kitten. Just think about that. Also comments make me smile.